Purpose

Saturday, February 23, 2008, before any entries have been written…

So, instead of writing an introductory entry, I decided to just write a separate page about the whole purpose of this blog. And I’m going to start off with my childhood, like any ridiculous brain-washed girl raised in the presence of modern psychology. But I swear I’ll try to be genuine.

I grew up in Orlando, Florida, between a private airport and a house full of drunk teenage boys. My mom, bless her, became sick and lost a lot of energy, so my backyard was almost always running wild. Now, “the neighborhood” didn’t like this, but I sure as hell did.
My best memories of being a small child were in the back yard. I used to be a little lizard huntress. I knew where they would be at what time of day, what weather, and often I figured out why. I would track them down, put them in a tank, watch them, and let them go before I went to bed. Though I do remember one time putting one in a mesh pencil case and carrying it to church – I was puzzled by people’s lack of enthusiasm at the little creature’s presence. Now I can barely find a lizard for my life.

I was also known, though I don’t remember this like I do lizard hunting, to be an insane climber when I was tiny. I was told I climbed the counter when I could barely walk, and I used to pull myself up the book shelves and toss the books off as I went. My dad used to let me climb the chain link in front of relatives, and of course, they would twitch watching the small child in such “danger.” Now I’m afraid to climb trees.

I also am told it was impossible for anyone to keep clothes on me. My babysitter, who’s still a friend of mine, called my dad once announcing that I was feral and if I ever gave her such trouble with taking a bath and getting dressed again, she’d leave me naked and screaming on his front door. I used to strip when it rained, and run outside to dance. Now I’d totally freak skinny dipping, and it takes a lot for me to dance in front of anyone.

This is who I was. That was my joy… the earth, my body, dancing, rain, climbing. I used to burst into song. I used to make people cry bursting into songs about how we need to stop abusing animals.
Now, unfortunately, these are mostly memories.

I’m nineteen, out of shape (seriously), have body-neuroses so thick I could build a monument with it, have confidence issues that create a psychic shell around me, can’t make friends for my life, and serious mood problems. This is what this culture has done to me. Not in a “oh pity me!” way, it happens to everyone, and everyone has the responsibility of trying to retain their sanity. And that’s what this blog is going to be about.

I’m well aware that to be happy, or anywhere near, I have to reach for a more natural state. I have to get back in touch with my body and my spirit, and just as importantly, everyone around me – human and non-human. I’ve only recently started to even think of regaining my footing. I was at The School of the Art Institute of Chicago for one semester and… about three days of a second semester. Three days into that semester it occurred to me that I was unhappy, hated Chicago because it’s basically a giant temple devoted to the worship of concrete, hated the school I was at because it was just a name and I was not learning a damn thing I wanted except how to bite my tongue in critiques, and I finally did what my heart wanted. I decided to leave. Within 24 hours I dropped my courses, within three days I was on a plane to the Portland airport to meet my dad so I could stay with him and work for a while. I think it was the first decision I made because I needed to – not because I was supposed to.

So that’s where this started. This blog is hopefully to be my self-aid in figuring out how to become more natural, back to myself, and maybe a tool to reach out to like-minded individuals. Really, I want to be in touch with my body and the land, and I think ultimately those things come together.

I’m lucky. It seems there are many parts of the world where the earth is so devastated that even if a child wants to, sought it out beyond all other forces, they would not be able to see such natural beauty as I can see. That gives me the opportunity and the responsibility to try to learn to love this land, this nature, this world, and really feel it, and learn from it. There is something to be said for seeking joy; many confuse it with selfishness. But being lucky enough to find beauty gives you the obligation to appreciate it, carry it with you in your body and heart, and try to spread it… especially in a world so destroyed as the one we live in now.
The more I live, the more I realize I just want to find myself and the world, which are much the same path. I realize I want to be able to walk outside, know what birds are chirping, know which plants will kill me and which will nourish me, feel the cold air in a knowing way rather than the distanced way I feel it often now, be able to respect all that nourishes me including my animal prey, be able to truly respect that I have been given nineteen years in a world where I can still see mountains that are beautiful when so many creatures on this earth don’t live a day because the destructiveness of civilization gets them from birth. From war-torn destroyed countries, to cattle in factory farms, to wolves being shot down simply for being wolves, to children being abused by parents who have submitted to the apathy of this culture, to clear cut forests, to ghosts that plague this earth because of what we have done to it… even if I die a gruesome death tomorrow, I have sat in the cold on a mountain and listened to the coyotes sing their strange songs. I owe the world my real presence. And hell, I owe it to myself.

So back to the problem: I can’t run five minutes without collapsing, I’m inflexible, if you dropped me in a forest I’d probably die, I’m horribly ashamed of my body, I’m lazy as fuck, I have serious people problems that divide me from even my closest friends, and my willingness to be vulnerable and trusting is about as developed as my lung capacity, which is next to nothing.

I’ve just started taking this journey seriously. This is the beginning, and for once in my life, it looks like I’ve actually realized what I want.